Rules For Vampire School
by rustedstardust
Summary: In a similar vein as the many "Rules for Hogwarts" fanfics, I made a list of rules for the School for Vampires.


**_My first and probably only fanfic for "School for Vampires", and it's a crack fic. I made a list of rules for Vampire School, in the same vein as the many "Hogwarts Rules" fanfictions and the Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do In An RPG. I hope these make you laugh!_**

1\. Prank calling Professor Polidori is strictly forbidden. He is a buffoon, but a buffoon who knows how to trace a phone call.

2\. My first words upon entering the school are not to be "I wanna be in Gryffindor!" This equally applies to Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff.

3\. "Convert A Human Thursday" does not and never will exist.

4\. While we at the school encourage expanding one's vocabulary, this does not apply to teaching little Klot every curse word in the english language.

5\. Twilight is NOT based off of a true story, nor is it an appropriate book report topic for history class.

6\. I will not refer to Count Von Horrificus as "Oskar's Hot Uncle."

7\. Nothing that happens on school grounds is "just like that episode of Supernatural".

8\. My hypnotic powers are never to be used to incite a flash mob or force people to do the chicken dance for my entertainment.

9\. The Count does NOT have a "pimp cane" and I will refrain from calling it that.

10\. Nestor's name is not Riff Raff and I will cease referring to him as such after he makes it clear that he doesn't understand or appreciate the reference.

11\. In regards to the previous rule, I am not allowed to buy the Rocky Horror Picture Show on pay per view and force him to watch it.

12\. I will not trick Tinto into building me en electric bong.

13\. Ortos is a vicious, terrifying hound and not a fuzzy puppy, no matter how well he responds to being called one.

14\. Vampires cannot be filmed and therefore I will stop trying to turn myself and my classmates into youtube stars.

15\. if I saw it in on Scooby Doo, I probably shouldn't do it.

16\. When anyone-teacher or student-transforms into a bat, it is generally frowned upon to pull out a giant net.

17\. Wearing a "sun's out, guns out" shirt on school grounds, while not necessarily forbidden, is in extremely poor taste.

18\. I will not ask Ashley is he sleeps in an urn. It was funny the first time and the first time only.

19\. Biting a Diabetic will not make me fat, and I am forbidden from testing this theory myself.

20\. Fletcher is not "proof that not all vampires are hot".

21\. Singing/humming "Disco Inferno" every time Ashley enters the room is just rude.

22\. Encouraging Professor Oxford to quit teaching and become a rapper is a terrible idea. We all remember how that worked out last time and nobody is eager to repeat it.

23\. "What Would Dracula Do?" is a philosophy that will only bring me so far in life.

24\. Yes, Lady Kryptina is the only female teacher at school. No, this does not mean I should keep asking her if she's single.

25\. My report on famous vampires should not include any member of the band KISS.

26\. A respectable vampire does not buy their cape from Party City.

27\. I will not bring anyone I found at a rave back to the castle to see how drunk/stoned I can make the teachers.

28\. Appropriate greetings for when I pass the Count in the hallway are "good evening" and "hello". Not "how's the weather up there?", "yo, stretch!" and especially not "hate to see him go, love to watch him leave."

29\. Putting poppy seeds in front of any teacher's door in order to get out of class that night is grounds for immediate expulsion.

30\. Total Eclipse of the Heart is NOT the "Vampire National Anthem", nor do we have to stand up for it. Neither is the Song of the Count from Sesame Street

31\. "Vampire School Musical" is never going to catch on and I should stop trying to force it to happen.

32\. I will not replace anything in the blood vault with wine coolers. This goes double for Red Bull.

33\. Playing "lion tamer" with any of Gruftine's carnivorous plants is horribly dangerous and I will recieve no sympathy if I injure myself.

34\. When in bat form, my teachers and classmates are perfectly capable of finding their way back to the castle, and don't need me to perform semaphore to guide them.

35\. Putting tomato juice in a super soaker and using it to terrorize Oskar is a decidedly bad idea.

36\. Klot's coffin has a rocking attachment. This is not so I can attempt to launch him from it.

37\. I am not a dog groomer and therefore I am banned from shaving Ortos, and especially from giving him a poodle cut.

38\. There is no such thing as Vampire Quidditch.

39\. Dressing as Sexy Dracula for Halloween was only funny the first time.

40\. Taking my classmates to the Hall of Mirrors is cruel and in no way a fun field trip.

41\. Tinto does not need braces and I should stop trying to refer him to my dentist.

42\. Busting open the bars and windows at the zoo's bat house is illegal and wrong, and in no way am I "liberating my chained brethren" by doing so.

43\. Putting corks on anyone's fangs while they sleep is stupid at best, dangerous at worst, and I will deserve any retribution that comes my way should I do so.

44\. My shadow is not to be used to get snacks for me when I'm too lazy. Or to perform trust fall with myself.

45\. If my "factual basis" for something is a 50′s horror movie, it doesn't get put in my homework.


End file.
